Delusional or Delightfully Deceptive?

In 1970, I served on the team that produced our high school yearbook. And, when I say "served,"  I mean that I went to meetings because my friends were there and we had a lot of fun. We also produced a product, mostly by sheer luck and the hard work of perhaps 2 people, neither of whom was me.

But we did create a theme which I loved, based on the Simon and Garfunkel song "Flowers Never Bend With the Rainfall."  Today, I'd like to revisit those lyrics because, amazingly, lo these 40+ years later, they still resonate, but maybe in different ways...
Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don't know what is real,
I can't touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

Okay, then those lyrics were about the dreams I had while I slept, which when I was 17, I actually did every night. I had dreams then, actual dreams during the night. Since I no longer sleep, that sort of thing has evaporated. Today, the dreams happen during the day. They're easier to understand and I can tell what's real and what's not. It's not as much fun but now I control the things I dream about so they're easier to manage.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.
When I was 17, I didn't have to pretend my life would never end. I believed that. Never considered mortality, it was no more real than the nightly dreams or nightmares. Today, I am actually pretending my life will never end, so these lyrics are more accurate today than ever.
The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
Back then I looked into mirrors and some days I looked like the girl I wanted desperately to be -- the one with good hair and clear skin -- and other days I looked like someone I didn't want to be so I deluded myself into believing that maybe it wasn't me. What was inside didn't matter as much then because the outside mattered so much to the exclusion of everything else.

Nowadays, well, some days I do look like the woman I want to be  -- the one with good hair and clear skin --and other days... not so much. Some days I have no earthly idea who the old lady in the mirror could possibly be.  Some days, I can't see the mirror because I don't have my glasses on and on those days, I look fine. However, now I know, or at least I think I do, that my appearance doesn't make me who I am. Maybe it reflects who I am, or maybe who I am governs the way I look on any given day. But, I'm still reasonably shallow. A good hair day still goes a long way toward making me feel better. (Good skin days, I've pretty much given up on, as wrinkles, unlike acne, never clear up.) My image, overall, is still dark and small but most days I am sure it's my reflection, I just may not be that happy about it.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.
The meaning of this verse has changed the most over time. Now, I wander in the night with direction -- directly to the bathroom. Still seeking truth, God, and light, just seeking it on my way to pee.
It's no matter if you're born
To play the King or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.
This verse encapsulated our thoughts back then. We didn't know, we couldn't know, what we were born to be. We had soaring hopes and dreams. We also had a mischievous sense of humor. The cover of the yearbook showed the king and the pawn chess pieces casting long shadows. The image was cool, mostly because the pieces looked like hash pipes. We loved that the adults would see the king and pawn and we'd see the hash pipes as our inside joke. Or, maybe we weren't so clever and it was an accident ending in more coolness than we intended. I can't remember. But, I know this -- since those years I've learned and embraced what I was born to be. It's neither king nor pawn, but teacher, wife, mother, friend, daughter, grandmother, lover of music, runner, beach bum (okay, that one I knew even then), liberal, pseudo health nut, and more to come. And, I haven't seen a hash pipe in a whole lot of years so that's changed too. Plus, now I face today, not tomorrow. While I agree with Scarlett O'Hara about the value of tomorrow, today is enough for me now.
So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.
The chorus speaks to me now more than ever. I continue to pretend my life will never end. I see no reason to stop and face the mortality reality any more now than I did in 1970. I know I'm delusional. I know I am deceiving myself, and still "hiding behind the shield of my illusion," but it's delightful to do so and it gets me through more days smiling than crying. Who's to say that's not good? Join me in this delusion. You'll be glad you did. Oh, and those flowers? The thing is they do bend with the rainfall, as do I sometimes, but as do they, we all rise again with the sun. Every day. As we were born to...

So, one day closer to 60. It's okay as long as I can pretend.

My Wellness is Paying Off!

These are words I never thought I'd write -- I love my healthcare insurance company. Today I got a check for $25 from them. In the memo part was succinctly written just one word -- Wellness. I have no idea why my wellness made them want to pay me $25 bucks but I'm not complaining.

I thought that perhaps word has reached them that I am headed swiftly toward 60 and I've stated on this blog and elsewhere that I plan to not go gently. I'm kicking, screaming, dancing, singing, running, drinking (hey, it can't all be spartan!), and laughing my way there. So, maybe the insurance company agrees with me that the best way to age beautifully, inside and out is to take action. And, for some reason, they've decided to reward me.

The thing about wellness is that it's usually its own reward. No one thanks you for taking good care of yourself. You have to reward yourself. (And I do, frequently and often.) You can't take good health for granted. It's incredibly hard work to live in a healthful way. It's way more fun to drink and eat and have fun with no boundaries than it is to take the time to reign in your wildest instincts.

So, I think I should spend this $25 bucks wisely. And by wisely I mean exactly the opposite -- not wisely at all. I love found money in that it isn't already spoken for. The mortgage doesn't call its name, the utility company is not insisting I use it to pay them, you get the idea. This $25 bucks should have a fun use, maybe even something wellness related.

Thoughts?

Oh, and by the way, by tomorrow I will no longer be in love with my healthcare insurance company. By then the reality will come sweeping swiftly back to me that each month I pay them a boatload of money to be covered. I will remember the annoying co-pays that always seem higher than they should be and I will recall that no prescription drugs are covered, either, nor dental. So, no need to remind me of the demon that is my insurer. For today, I'm enjoying their "largesse" (sarcasm included there) and celebrating my found $25 bucks.

Is getting my hair done a good way to splurge?

Wellness... it's a beautiful thing.

To Whom It May Concern: I love you

Between now and when I turn 60, one of the new leaves I'm turning over is the saying of "I love you" to the people I actually feel that way about. I am not now and have never been an easy "I love you" communicator. Perhaps it goes back to that day long ago when my high school boyfriend Craig (who no longer remembers me or so he claims) sat next to me on the steps going from his parents' kitchen to the basement (how lovely and romantic) and leaned in after a kiss and said quietly, "I love you." 

And, I leaned in equally quietly and said, "Thanks." 

Well, I didn't love him and I didn't want to lie to him because I really, really, liked and respected him. Also, I was polite and "thanks" was the first genuine, non-insulting thing that came to my mind. The first thing that came to mind was "Oh, crap." But, that didn't seem appropriate.

Fast forward a mere many years and here I am, still not someone who says "I love you" easily to anyone who isn't my husband or my child. Maybe it's not the legacy of Craig that holds me back. Maybe it's the legacy of my parents who most certainly loved me but I'm not sure they ever said so. When my dad was dying of lung cancer, I launched into a long dissertation of love just after the doctor told us his prognosis. I told him in the most misty and loving terms what a wonderful father, grandfather, and man he was in his quiet and understated way. I assured him that the legacy he'd leave behind was nothing short of stunning. I went on for 10 minutes waxing poetic with the words I had never before spoken. I leaned in and gave him a rare kiss. 

He leaned in and said quietly, "Do you have a key to my safe deposit box?" 

So, if I'm a dysfunctional "I love you" person, you can see that I come by it naturally. But that moment of waiting to hear "I love you" from Dad taught me a valuable lesson... or two. First, you don't have to hear "I love you" in order to know you are loved. I know my Dad was crazy about me and my kids and husband. Two, it's nice to hear anyway and it's a gift you can give the people you love. It feels good every time.

But, a few years ago, Ned and I made some new friends in our new-ish hometown in North Carolina. When we left them at the end of a social event, we'd say goodnight or goodbye and they'd say, "Love you." It caught us off guard at first. Maybe we said, "Thanks" even, but I'm not sure. But after a while I realized these folks weren't just saying "Goodbye" with that expression. They actually were telling their friends how they felt about them. It was genuine and quite moving.

So, I stepped a toe into that strange water and started saying "I love you" to my friends when I left. I started with one of my oldest and dearest and then moved into my newer and dearest. It felt awkward at first but now it's growing on me. The first person I said it to was my friend C. (she may prefer being anonymous here) who was going through a really tough time. When we parted on our regular Tuesday get-together, I said, "Love you" and she said the same. It felt comforting. It seemed the exact right last thing to say so that would be the thought and feeling we'd take with us at the end of the evening.

I don't know why it took me almost 60 years to embrace this phrase but between now and December I'm going to use it often. 

Do you say "I love you" easily? Do you say it to friends or just to family? Do you say it in passing or only to those who resonate in your life? Do you think it loses meaning if you say it too much? Or is it like love itself and there's always room for more?

Six Months to Sixty

Today is June 6. It's D-Day, which means one thing -- 6 months from today I turn -- YIKES -- 60. Okay, I know D-Day means more more important things to other people but for me seeing that date brought just this one thought. How the hell is it possible that I'm going to be sixty?

My daughter Shira says that I should stop saying I'm sixty while I'm still 59. I explain that I'm trying 60 on for size so that when it does fit me, it will not be so uncomfortable. I mean I don't want it to happen that one day I wake up and I'm sixty.

I have never had a birthday like this one before. That is to say one that felt actually life-altering. I've always aged with a nonchalant attitude and that has served me well. Maybe I was delusional and didn't really feel that I was getting older and now I do. Not sure why this number feels different but I'm acknowledging that and working on embracing it.

I have no intention of going gently into that good night. I'm going into 60 kicking, screaming, laughing, joking, running, playing, cooking, drinking, and generally living life to the best of my ability.

Here's what I look like today.

I ran 5.5 miles and this is what I looked like when I got home. When I'm sixty, I'll run 5 miles as I do each year on my birthday and I'll post a photo of what I look like then.

Between now and Dec. 6 (my actual S-Day of turning 60), I'll be musing about life and what I'm doing to make sure it's still fabulous. I'm seeking to highlight the stories of others who are 60 and living scandalously fabulous lives. What does that mean -- to live a scandalously fabulous life? It means that you are so vibrant and so alive and so happy that it's almost shocking! So, if you know someone who fits that profile, do write and send me their story and a photo. And, if it's you, even better!